Revision: Trusting, Believing, and Waiting

It's the magical season of Advent, and New York City is glowing with excitement. I loved the warm weather of late summer and the changing leaves of fall, but December in NYC might be my favorite. Everywhere we turn, lights are strung from trees, Christmas carols play over loudspeakers, and holiday markets have popped up at every major intersection. It's finally gotten consistently cold (and let me tell you: this city LOVES its boots. All the girls wear these days is knee-high boots, ankle-high boots, and Uggs), so it really FEELS like Christmas.

In the midst of TC holiday parties and moms' group cookie exchanges and beautiful services of Lessons and Carols (I love Redeemer Presbyterian more every single week--talk about a church that knows what people need, my gosh), Clay and I have been learning a lot.

Some good lessons, some tough lessons.

My tutoring post has been disappointing as of late: the project that James and I worked on for over two months didn't get selected for the finals of the competition, and while that may sound like life, it was a blow considering we had invested so much time, energy, and resources into it. And I know I am biased, but man, it was an AWESOME presentation on Donatello's Il Zuccone.

I have been thinking about why this competition's results affected me so much, and I think there are several reasons, but one is that my work with James is the most focused and intentional teaching I am doing this year. When he does poorly on something we worked on, I can't help but feel like I not only failed him, but that I also failed myself. It's weird, but the work that I am doing this year leaves very little room for feedback. Will isn't yet able to communicate with me (and I have a feeling "Thanks, Mom, for the ways you love me" is a long way off anyways), my online teaching is no-news-is-good-news, and the editing stuff isn't very original nor creative.

I think I also felt some pressure to prove that I was worth the money they have been paying me. I know I need to let go of that pressure, but I also know that I need to help James do better than he would on his own. Tutoring, like every job, has its pros and cons.

Clay has been working so hard for over a month now on his job search (and he is ROCKING his classes--all A's!), and we are learning several things about the nature of educational leadership in private schools. Among those lessons is that its tough to break into an administrative role if you haven't had many administrative responsibilities before. Some schools offer lots of opportunities for teachers to gain this experience, some schools have very limited leadership roles. Kudos to the schools that give their teachers chances to grow and lead and innovate while still teaching in the classroom. I think leadership and advancement opportunities for faculty is a crucial element of a school's success and longevity. Teachers who grow lead to students who grow.

We are also learning that many schools are promoting from within, which is both good and bad. It's great in the sense that it gives teachers dedicated to the school a chance to evolve as educators. It's bad in the sense that it tougher for outsiders to break in.

The fact that all this is happening during Advent couldn't be more perfect.

Similar to the expectation that is such a huge part of Advent, we are learning that we need to TRUST that the work we are doing (me with James and Clay with grad school) is going to lead to great growth and success in the future.

We must also BELIEVE that something greater than what we know now is in store for us.

We must believe that we are here for a reason, working on these projects for a reason, dealing with disappointing results for a reason.

But what we have discussed most recently is the reality that we must WAIT to fully realize that growth. Education is not an immediate input-output endeavor. It's a long-term investment that steadily and consistently rewards those who dedicate themselves to learning and working hard.

This year has been full of ups and downs for us individually--but not as a family.

I think its also appropriate (and hopefully not sacrilegious of me to say) that Advent is all about stopping our focus on the world around us and instead turning to the light and life that a little boy will provide. For sure, Will is not Jesus :-), but he does daily remind me that my most important work IS a steady, consistent, lifetime dedication to loving him. When I am disappointed over something that happened in the past or anxious about what our life will look like in the future, all I have to do is look at our sweet Will and once again realize that I already hit the jackpot. He brings such joy and purpose and perspective to my life, and for that I will always be grateful to him.

At the end of the day, simply nothing is as important to me as the health and happiness of our little guy. Man, that's freeing.

It's also why I was so scared last week when Will got really sick for the first time in his life. No food or sleep for over three days can really alter a toddler--and make his parents feel both helpless and exhausted. Luckily, he is all better now!

So in this season of expectation, we thank God for all of the people (YOU!), lessons, and experiences in our lives this year.

Oh, and we also thank God for family pictures in which one of us isn't smiling or looking at the camera (of which there are A LOT)

And for the NY Botanical Gardens, which is AWESOME!!

All of these sculptures of NYC landmarks are made out of twigs and leaves and other natural materials. Wow.

And for Pinterest, of which I am now obsessed (and which continues to feed my craving for a sewing machine so I can make quilts and clothes and bags..ah, someday, right?)