Challenges and Opportunities

Yesterday, over 300 people ran a 5K or a half marathon in honor of Christian, one of my former XC runners who lost her fight with cancer a few months ago. I tracked my friend and head coach, many of my former students, and my dear former colleagues on Facebook all morning until I finally had to turn it off. There I was again, missing what I had. Thinking about how sweet our community was in Chattanooga. Wanting so much to be back with friends whom I love and miss. Wishing I could be there to run that race and support the family, the school, the city I fell in love with over the period of 4 sweet newlywed years there.

But this weekend was also a turning point for me. It happens every time we move somewhere: I miss where we came from terribly and then suddenly I tell myself to cut. it. out. I can miss the people I love, but I can also open my eyes to the community immediately around me. It paid off in NYC. I met Maresa and her son, Mac; I met Lisa and her son, Noah; I joined a mom's group and suddenly was welcomed into a beautiful fellowship; and we discovered a church that really challenged me spiritually--something I had been missing in Chattanooga. The joys were different than those in Chattanooga, but they were joys. And I am glad I discovered them in time to really appreciate them before we left in May.

I feel like I am at that point here in Louisville. Sure, I wish I were able to hold Kat and Nate's sweet baby Samuel (born two weeks ago) and be at the hospital with Ashley and Nick TONIGHT as they labor to welcome Baby Girl Nichols, but a conversation I had today with a colleague brought my focus here and now.

My students are starting to trust me. They seem to understand the goals I have for us and they are pushing themselves to meet the expectations and their own potential. I have had a couple good days of classes in a row (knock on wood), and my parent-teacher conferences last week left me feeling more determined than ever. I am focusing on the LCS sophomore class and starting to find a balance between supporting them and holding them accountable. 

So of course it makes sense that just when I am starting to feel good, I am once again questioned, this time by a colleague. Why am I teaching grammar? Why do you force your students to annotate? Do you realize that your students think you are "hard"? 

Heaven forbid my students think I am hard.

But I suddenly found myself having fairly sure footing, knowing that this trust takes time. I need to earn my colleagues' trust. I need to earn my students' trust. I need to be here in order to make new friends. I need to put myself out there in order to once again build (if I am lucky, find) a community that I feel lucky to live life with. I love living life with people. And right now I am lucky to be able to do that with my own family, and I feel so lucky they are my immediate community. And really, this time without many friends enables me and Clay and Will to revel in sweet time together. I am not taking that for granted.

It also forces me to take stock, set new goals, see a school with fresh eyes, and make some changes in my life that I might not have initiated if I was still comfortable in Chattanooga. This fresh start is a challenge in some ways, and I would be lying if I didn't admit that there are many days when I wish I were already known and trusted and liked at our new school, but this is also an opportunity. And I need to start focusing on the opportunity. And I am.

So here's to a new chapter, full of rewards and surprises and lessons and growth. 

And here's to 13.1 miles I'll run on Nov. 3 in honor of Christian. Here in Louisville, my hometown that is at once full of memory and full of possibility. 

Here's to moving forward, all the while so grateful for the people who got me here.

Septober

Forgive this suuuuuper long post, but here's a narrative in pictures of the fun adventures we've had lately...

Mimi's Birthday!

At school

We can act silly (above)...but sometime we need a time out (below).

With his best buddy Thomas

"Run, Daddy, Run!"

Our nighttime walks have now turned into workouts thanks to trainer Will.

We visited sweet Marguerite

Halloween Night at the Zoo!

ROAR!

The Lion King

At Huber's Family Farm today...

We LOVED picking pumpkins!

Work-Will Balance

I just got out of a meeting in which the leader changed the meeting time to 3:15 instead of during school. It happened in a split second, everyone nodded their heads in agreement, and then the next item on the agenda was addressed.

Inside, I was breaking out in hives.

Dang it if the very day when I feel like I am finally hitting a rhythm and achieving some sense of balance hits me with a curve ball that I don't want to hit.

Changing the meeting time means asking our sweet friend Katie to watch Will one MORE hour, to change her day to accomodate mine, to accept our paltry offering of one more hour of pay just so we can go to a meeting that could have happened during school hours. I know I need to make decisions as a working mom, I know I can't be in two places at once, I know every day isn't going to be a perfect balance. But man, our culture and places of employment need to at least show understanding and support to families with two working parents.

Will's preschool is from 8:45-11:45. Not going to work. So we sign him up for early care (starting at 8) and late care (until 3) but that STILL doesn't cover a normal working day. Every church we have visited politely directs us towards the nursery when we approach, and dang it if I didn't break down in tears this last Sunday (Will, too) when we tried to drop him off.

So I said no. I stood there in the hallway of the church childcare and I said no. I am not dropping him off any more than I have to, I'm not being away from him any longer than I have to, I'm not volunteering or signing up for anything extra. I told myself at the beginning of this year that my goal this year was to do two things well: the job I was hired for and being a mama to Will. Those are two full time jobs. I'm not tackling anything else. I am learning to say no.

But the fact that working mamas have to find the courage to say no to their bosses, to their friends, to opportunities that might advance their careers or develop them personally is really, really frustrating. It's a daily decision I have to make. Saying no happens on a daily basis. I am much happier for saying it, but at the moment, it is tough.

I will forever better understand working mamas (and daddies) and show them more grace and understanding than I ever did when I was young and all I did was work work work. I am embarrassed to say that I even thought mamas who said no were weak and selfish. Now I know they are among the most powerful, thoughtful, and determined people on the planet.

Thank God for weekends. For my mother. For the example of women everywhere who have been saying no and somehow finding a balance for years. I have a lot to learn from them.