A Letter from Mama

* I don't know if it's the Colorado theatre shooting or the approach of school (and thus a new schedule for our family) or the fun news that lots of my friends are pregnant, but I looked into Will's eyes today and wanted more than anything for him to know how I feel about him right now. So I thought I would record today's love here.

Dearest Will,

You are a gift from God to me. We have had a summer of you and me, buddy, because Daddy is working hard at a construction job to help make our transition from NYC to Louisville comfortable and possible. You and me, we eat breakfast together (we're lucky if it's Mimi's pumpkin bread), and then we head out the door to Anna and Abby's house (you saying "Ab-by! Ab-by!" all the way there) so that I can help take of them too. But the reality, sweet little boy that you are, is that you have been taking care of me this entire year, really ever since you were born. We arrive at their house and you are happy and smiling and willing to go along with whatever they want to do. You are as curious about toy horses and lip gloss as you are about legos and trains, and just when I think you are completely absorbed in your exploration, you run to me and throw your arms around my legs and say "mama! mama!"and hold your discovery up in the air for me to see. It never gets old, love. I embrace these moments and embrace you every second I get and am genuinely excited about whatever you find in your constantly growing understanding of the world. I see things with new eyes because of you, I care less about myself and silly things because of you, I care more about other people because you awakened me to the reality that everyone is someone's beautiful child, someone's world like you are mine.

We are trying to transition you to a big boy bed these days, and while you love the idea of it ("big bed"), you aren't catching onto the need to stay in said bed. Today, at nap time while Anna and Abby were downstairs, you climbed into your big boy bed (how are you old enough for this already? when did you grow so?), pulled the covers up around you, and then patted the space beside you. "Mama. Mama." I laid down next to you, you snuggled up beside me so that our foreheads were touching, and then you closed your eyes. And for the millionth time since you were born, I felt you giving me a taste of heaven. Thank you for giving me such love.

Every afternoon, we play in the living room, keeping one eye out for Daddy to arrive home and for us to rush out the door and giggle with total joy that our favorite person is home with us again. He climbs out of the car, I fall in love with him all over again, and my heart overwhelms with love for you two. With loyal Camden by our feet, our family is beyond blessed. And then we walk through the front door together as a family and joy ensues once again. Every moment of every day is full and fun with you.

Daddy and I say that we couldn't imagine a better kid for us. And that's what makes us excited for our friends who are welcoming little ones of their own. Sure, the days will be long and the nights will be longer, and simple tasks like showering and going to the store will never be nearly as easy or relaxing, but we can't wait to see how their little ones are going to be perfect for them. You are perfect for us, Will. You are friendly and positive and excited to learn and content doing whatever we all need to do. You go with the flow as long as we do it together. And in this way, you keep me and Daddy going when the to-do list seems endless. This past year, we moved to NYC and lived a simple life in a very complicated town. And we three grew so, so close. Your daddy and I have been a team from the start, and you are now an essential and life-giving member of our team. And sure, we love you because you are our son, but really we love you because of who you already are and who you are becoming: a loving, thoughtful, grateful, fun little boy who loves seeing the world as long as you are holding our hand or sitting on our hip. That's a good thing, too, because we can't get enough of holding you and kissing you and smelling your soft skin.

I hear of stories of a 4 year old getting shot on a Bronx playground or a 6 year old losing her life in a movie theatre and my heart breaks every time. Those stories never went in one ear and out the other, but because of you, they now never leave my thoughts. I think of their parents. I just can't imagine. I remember when I told Jane Henegar that I was pregnant and she wrote me a card that said "Get ready. You are about to experience what it feels like to have your heart walk around outside of your body." She's a wise woman who speaks the truth. Your Daddy has my heart, and you have my heart too. You make me want to help all children feel loved and protected and special, and you make me want to help other mamas and daddys out there help make their kids' dreams come true. So many people have been generous and supportive of us this past year, staying in touch with us even though we had moved and sending you gifts to bring you joy while most of your toys and books were packed away in Chattanooga, and I will forever be grateful to those people. I will always be supportive of libraries because the NYC Morningside Heights branch gave you an endless supply of books and an awesome guitar-playing toddler song leader every Tuesday. But mostly I look at every mom and dad now, young and old, and have such respect for them. Becoming a parent has been the greatest lesson in humility and perspective and selflessness and endurance and strength that I have ever known. I know the responsibility I have to you to do my best every day, and yet I am oh so aware that I have miles to go before I even come close to being the mother you deserve. But the beauty is that you love me just the way I am and you love me through the becoming. And I love you as you are becoming the amazing person you are. Just like your Daddy (which was one of the many reasons I wanted to marry him), you make me want to be better, every day.

I've had a lot of great teachers in my life, but you already have taught me more than any of them. You've taught me to slow down, to love enthusiastically, to be grateful, to take time to rest, and to believe in the goodness of other people. I'm grateful to you, I'm grateful for you, my little buddy, and I hope you always know that in this busy, unpredictable, full world in which we live together, you are my joy and my peace. I love you, I love your Daddy, and I will do my best to show you both that love every day I am lucky enough to wake up to your smiling faces.

Already looking forward to tomorrow,
mama