Life Giving

Yesterday was a full day. It was the National "Spread the Word to End the Word" Day. I'll never say "retarded" again. I like Noah's Dad's post on the subject. Can we please all agree that this word hurts? And that people with disabilities are born that way (cue Lady Gaga)? And that life is way too hard already for us to hate on each other? Okay, there's my soapbox; I'm stepping down.

It was also the first day of Lent, and I have a list a mile long of things I want to give up this year: grading papers, not sleeping, worrying, snacking, eating chocolate chips for breakfast, pumping, paying bills...yeah, I'm pretty selfless and disciplined when it comes to sacrifice. But I have been doing something all week in preparation for Lent that has been pretty fun: I have been writing down everything that has been life-giving and everything that has been life-sucking (sorry. no better term for it).

Life-giving: reading to Grant, reading to Will, cooking, being in the presence of my husband, writing, therapy, hot yoga, deep breaths, dancing with Will, photography, being in the presence of good friends, quotable cards, time in local bookstores, cleaning (I know. Strange. Totally strange.), a good glass of wine, church, smoothies

Life-sucking: email, worrying about the future, Facebook and Instagram, watching the Oscars, watching most TV, eating lunch in the school cafeteria (I am just not quite ready to be that back to normal at work yet. I still feel like a different person), reading about DS

Terrible picture, I know, but if you look closely, you'll see Will and me doing yoga together. Love this kid to PIECES.

Fifty shades of brown right here...

Thank you, Lent. You gave me just the excuse to SHIFT. If Grant's birth handed me a blank canvas, I'm going to run with it and change some things up. And mainly that means LESS. I can't really take much more.

* No plans on Friday nights for awhile. I'm too exhausted. and I miss my boys. Bring on family cuddle time.
* No more checking social media while I nurse. It just makes me sad.
* Namaste and I have a weekly date. Ommmmm.
* I am going to use my lunch break to grade/work so that I can use an hour of my grading/work time at home to read to Grant.
* No more sweets. No more eating after dinner. No more snacking. LESS. More real, natural meals. Only exception is on date nights with my love. Bring on the ice cream.
* More time holding Grant and helping him with his exercises, less time reading about everything potentially in his future.

I'm back at work and life has gone on and Clay and I are trying to figure out a new normal and yet I have moments when I just feel so not normal.  Different in a way that makes me not want to go back to the routine and perspective I had before. Different in a way that makes me think a second longer before I speak, spend an extra second with that student who looks like she is secretly struggling, smile an extra second at the woman who was kind to me at the grocery store, hug Will an extra second at bedtime. This world is moving forward a million miles a minute and I find myself content to let the frenetic pace continue on without me. I'm not sure in what ways I will be different forever, but for these next 40 days, I am going to embrace being intentionally different. And as Grant has been showing me, perhaps being a little different is a mighty good thing.

My main goal is to do LESS and hopefully have MORE time to do good.

It's also Interim Week at school, which means that my sophomores are all over the city volunteering for different organizations that help people. HOLLA. My last visit yesterday was to a school for the hearing impaired. I walked into a three year-old class and felt the six kids in there take my breath away. They were so darn beautiful and innocent and happy and TRYING. They were focused on their teacher and excitedly communicating with each other. One little boy started walking over to me, and I couldn't help but notice his limp and brace; his wheelchair was off to the side. He gave me a high five and kept smiling at me and made me feel really welcome. A few minutes later, his teacher was helping him into his wheelchair to go out to his school bus and what she said stopped me in my tracks: "He's really behind but he's come so far this year. His parents basically gave up on him from the moment he was born. There's no support at home."

Dude.

I almost brought him home with me.

And then I stood there thinking about how scared I was of Grant four months ago. In my mind, there was so option: you're his mama. He needs you. SHOW UP. And the fact that there wasn't that option was exactly the way I needed it to be. Sometimes life knows when to NOT give us options because if it did, we might choose the one that isn't good for anyone just because it seems easier at the time.

I continue to not know much about what our lives are going to look like, but I do know, especially after falling in love with this kid, there ain't no way I am giving up on him. I mean, look at these two. How can you do anything other than love and encourage and belief the heck out of them?

These kids I saw today were so determined to learn and love. I am starting to think it's us adults who run around complaining about how hard life is--and it IS hard--while kids face tremendous challenges, look them in the eye, and battle them. They know no other way. They have no other option. They don't get to choose the fact that they are born with disabilities, they don't get to choose their parents, they don't get to choose who interacts with them and helps them and who dismisses them and overlooks them. They just BATTLE.

We've been working on getting him to hold his own bottle. Progress!

I have been finding such deep inspiration in watching other people battle lately. They don't complain, they don't give up, they just keep showing up and keep smiling and keep trying.

That's my new life philosophy:

Keep showing up. 

Keep trying.

and LOVE.

It's amazing. Every time I do that, something good happens. Last week I observed a colleague (showed up), wrote her an email (tried), and praised her for the sincerely impressive work she is doing (loved). Yesterday I got an email saying I had won this month-long faculty raffle that included everyone who had observed a colleague recently. I never win anything. I am starting to think Grant is my good luck charm.

I also accepted a new position at work: Assistant College Counselor. There are many things about this job that leave me feeling all giddy and excited (my new boss being one of them. He's awesome), but my heart has felt a little hesitant to buy in. There is something about the idea of me working at a school where Grant will never go and working in a position focused on college placement, which Grant may also never experience. I feel almost like I am betraying him. But I have come to a peace about it, knowing that I hopefully will be helping kids and their parents as they too navigate how to accomplish their dreams. Every child is different; it will be my job to really get to know what the student and his/her parents feel is the best for the student. I'm all about that. And as someone who ended up at a university I never expected or even really wanted to attend, I know the power of good placement. I ended up exactly where I needed to be. It didn't take me long before I wanted to be there. I met my best friends there (318 4-eva), was inspired there, discovered whole new parts of life there.  Same thing with New York City. Same thing with Grant. Sometimes life hands you what you need rather than what you think you want. And it ends up being BOTH.

These snow days are wreaking havoc on our furniture. Our couch is Will's favorite new swimming pool.

 Will loves to help me cook and bake. #luckymama

 Trying to watch less television, yes, but had give a shout-out to Jimmy Fallon. The guy is KILLING it!

 Love and sweetness from us to you.