A Meditation on Lunch

Warning: Cute Face. Needs Bath.

A Letter to Will Upon 16 Months.

Dear Will,

Daddy and I took you to a new church yesterday, a church full of families and young adults and kids, and we tenderly but tentatively dropped you off in the nursery downstairs, hopeful that you might play with and enjoy being around other 16 month olds in a room full of toys. We slipped away while you weren't looking and we held each other's hand as we walked to the sanctuary. It is hard on us to be without you for any length of time, especially in a new church in a new city.

We sang a few songs and smiled at each other, knowing smiles of "we're doing the right thing, right?" and then sat down to pray. And then our pager went off. You were calling for us. Daddy and I both wanted to run to you, but he slipped out first; it didn't take long for me to follow him. And on this Sunday, we found ourselves in the basement of a new church, huddled together in the "Walkers' Room," once again a family.

On this, your 16 month birthday, I want you to know that you are our miracle. I feel closest to God not when I am sitting in a sanctuary but when I am holding you in my arms--or when you hold me in yours. You are a walking fool these days, eager to explore and discover grass and new people and books and animals and the drifting leaf falling to the ground in front of you. New York City is abuzz all around you, and yet you stop and focus on the singular leaf and cause me to stop and focus on the unique you and marvel that you are mine. I can't imagine loving anything more than I love you and yet I know I will love you even more tomorrow than I do today. How can that be? How does it really keep getting better and better?

You love water and riding on Daddy's shoulders and swinging in the park and eating Absolute Bagels. I love YOU. I love every moment with you, especially when you smile at me and nuzzle your face into my neck on a crowded subway or when you giggle uncontrollably when the bubble maker comes out at library story time or when you run to greet me when I open the door after tutoring for a few hours. I love smelling your hair post-bath, I love picking you up out of the crib first thing in the morning when you are still a little dazed, I love watching you play with other kids and study their movements like they study yours.

And selfishly, I loved the moment when the pager went off. It was as if you were saying, "Wait a second, where did you go? Mommy and Daddy, we can explore, but we explore TOGETHER." Amen, buddy. There are lots of cool museums and playgrounds and stores and neighborhoods to see in our new home, but what matters most to your Daddy and me is enjoying all that is YOU. Sure, I know eventually I will need to let you explore on your own, and perhaps one day you might not even want me to adventure along beside you, but for now, you love to walk on your own...as long as we are nearby. And nearby is where I will stay. Forever. You are my heart walking around outside my body.

I love you,

Mama

**A dear friend of mine and former colleague, David Cook, writes a weekly column in the Chattanooga paper. Today's column is a letter to his daughter. It's a beautiful tribute to a sweet little girl--and a testament to the forever love David has for her. I highly recommend it.

Anna!

Anna and I have led parallel lives. She went to Kenyon (so did Clay), then she moved to Saint James (where I worked from 2003-2007), then she moved to Nashville to get her master's at Vanderbilt (while I was in Chattanooga), and now she lives and works in Brooklyn as an awesome Associate Director of Admissions. She also spends the summers in Maine. In a nutshell, Anna and I were meant to be friends! I love Anna. Her enthusiasm for life, her selfness care of others, and her ability to have fun doing anything make her a joy to be around. She had never met Will, but upon his birth she sent Will her own favorite children's books (I mean, we LOVE Anna!) and she has been faithfully following and commenting on the blog for years, so we picked right back up without missing a beat.

Today we explored yet another new destination: Bryant Park. This park is located immediately behind the NYPublicLibrary, so it is designed to be full of endless comfortable places to sit down and enjoy a good book. Somehow, a block-wide park felt cozy--amazing. It also has a sweet carousel that Anna and I took Will on...and thank God Anna was around when a grandfather started walking away with my stroller! I chased after him, Anna watched Will try to eat gravel, and we laughed and enjoyed marveling over how wonderful it is to be close to each other once again.

Will wasn't so sure of the carousel...

...but he loves snack time...

...and he especially loves tasti d'lite and hugs from Anna!

Thank you, dear Anna, for coming to play with us today!

And now for a few random cell phone pics I just discovered I never transferred to my computer:

Prepping for the Columbia football game.

LOVE this Columbia hoodie Mimi bought us!

Trying to get away from Daddy's tender tugs at the Children's Museum of Manhattan on Friday evening.

Toys R Us on Mommy's 31st Birthday!

Library Storytime. Will CANNOT sit still during this interactive session. Check out his reaction to the final event in the story time sessions: BUBBLES!

WILL LOVES LOVES LOVES bubbles!!

("Mom, stop taking pictures of me!")

Terrible picture, but his face is so priceless here. He SQUEALS with excitement over bubbles.

He also loves his little house in the basement playroom of our building.

Weekend=touchdown!

We had a great weekend in the city!

The weather was AMAZING (80's!), the time together was special, and the discoveries were endless.

On Saturday, at kind of the last minute (who does anything last minute with a toddler?), we decided to head to the Bronx to cheer on the Columbia football team as they took on (and lost to) Sacred Heart University. Some of Clay's cohorts organized a little tailgate before the game, which turned out to be super laid back and easy since Columbia gives any students over 21 FOUR FREE beers just for attending the game. Why, you might wonder? Because no one goes to the games! Sure, it's a 20 minute shuttle bus ride away, and perhaps NYC offers a few other things to do on a gorgeous Saturday, and yes, the Columbia football team is TERRIBLE this year, but hey, FOUR FREE beers? I don't even like beer and I was excited!

The picture above is of Will walking towards Doug, another cohort member and our new friend!

Not so sure about these Popeye biscuits.

Studying the game together. It's serious business.

A picture of the field just to prove we were there :-).

We have also been enjoying the INSANELY yummy food that NYC has to offer.

Last night Clay and I went out on a date (holla babysitting co-op!) to this yummy establishment in Little India. Rosemary Naan is to die for! Our date was heaven.

And then today we had another fun day together exploring our new home!

Our sweet friend Blair had emailed me her awesome list of things to do in NYC, and at the top of the list was the Shake Shack. The very night I got her email, Clay and I watched "Something Borrowed," which features this restaurant throughout its New York happy setting.

We had to go.

But so did the rest of New York City THE WORLD.

The line was over an hour long, which I am sure is totally worth it, but hey, we were pretty naive parents with a toddler in the city who is oh so ready for his nap, so we headed to this AMAZING place instead.

Eataly is a block-wide Italian food store and series of restaurants that will make your mouth water with deliciousness. Fresh baked breads, authentic gelato, cheeses, pastas, wine...you name it, they've got it. And its YUMMY.Will also played on the Madison Square Park playground for a bit.

Thanks to Shannon for loaning us the adorable pumpkin "William" shirt!

We are going to wear it all month long!
Tomorrow we are going to meet dear friend Anna in Bryant Park for a ride on the carousel and maybe even a little Columbus Day Parade!

Book #1

I've started it. The book project. One of the first things Will and I did together in NYC was to get our library card, and that very night I spent some time familiarizing myself with the NYCLibrary website and "putting on hold" (reserving) about 10 of the books you all recommended to me.

Katie Couric's The Best Advice I Ever Got was the first one to come in. I thought it was pretty fitting, not only because I love advice and things like commencement speeches, but also because this one was added to my list by my sweet mama. If you are going to start somewhere, start with Mama :-).

It was perfect for my subway rides to and from my tutoring sessions on the Upper West Side. Read a few inspiring essays from accomplished people, try to light a fire under sweet James, and then read a few more on the way home to Will's bedtime and dinner with my love.

This book is just what the title suggests: a bunch of advice. But no matter how old I get or how often I hear these nuggets of wisdom, I find myself soothed, encouraged, and grateful.

Of course the best part of this collection is the individual stories that accompany the general pieces of advice, but here are some of my favorite reflections:

You are surely afraid: of leaving what you know, of seeking what you want, of taking the wrong path, of failing the right one. But you can't allow any of that to warp your life. You must have the strength to say no to the wrong things and to embrace the right ones, even if you are the only one who seems to know the difference, even if you find the difference hard to calculate.

~Anna Quindlen

For 42 years, I've been making small, regular deposits in this bank of experience. And on January 15th, the balance was sufficient so that I could make a sudden, large withdrawal.

~Captain Chesley Sullenberger

I need to trust and have faith and believe that if I do things the right way good things will happen. What is meant to be will happen for me, and all I should concern myself with is the things I can control.

~Drew Brees

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

~Samuel Beckett

Think about what is valuable before thinking about what is profitable.

~Biz Stone

There are many kinds of currency in life, not just monetary.

~Dr. Phil

A friend told me that type-A people think they can figure out what to do next while they're doing something, but it never happens. She suggested I stop working and spend the next year figuring it out. How scary is that? One day I was baking a thousand baguettes and running a store with 40 employees, and the next day I had nothing to do. I have to admit, it was the hardest year of my life. But I know for sure that the next part of my career would never have happened without it. And this has been the happiest time of my life.

~Ina Garten (LOVE her)

Learn the trust the feeling of "not knowing." For most of us, most of the time, that is the truth.

~Hugh Jackman

Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, or prestige. It is discovered in goodness, humility, service, and character.

~William Arthur Ward

Treat others as you would want to be treated. Yes, but also Treat yourself as well as you treat others.

~Gloria Steinem

Take at least twenty minutes every day to be still and quiet. Time to sit in complete silence. Think. Reflect. Dissect your thoughts and feelings. Relive any mistakes from the day before. Decide how to be smarter and tougher, how to be more committed and considerate of others and more sensitive and aware of your surroundings. Choose something you learned that will make you a better person. Choose to be happy and positive. Live like the blessed human you are. Define you. Be secure enough in yourself to base success on personal growth.

~Beyonce

Marry your conscience.

~Jay Leno

Right now my life is about responsibility and accountability nearly one hundred percent of the time. There isn't one moment of a single day that someone doesn't need something from me. I am, in a word, an adult.An adult with a very fortunate set of responsibilities that my years of perfectionism have equipped me to handle. Yet there are moments when I look back on my years at school and wish that I could make a raft of changes. I would make it messier. I would fail more. I would learn to pick myself up from embarrassment rather than becoming an expert at avoiding it, because "real life," I've discovered, is all about compromise, messiness, and, yes, failure. Real life is learning to lower your expectations while not getting completely blown off course. Real life is about showing your kids that abject failure is not the worst thing that happens, but sometimes the best.

~Julie Bowen

There is usually never one "correct" choice. Coming to understand that there are usually a few good choices--and then there's the one you pick, commit to, and make great--is the best way to make flexible, optimal, good decisions in life.

~Marissa Mayer (Google exec)

Life is a series of happy accidents.

~Jane Lynch

The definition of success changes throughout your life. Never try to be something that you're not. Live your life as an honest and compassionate person.

~Ellen DeGeneres

As much as we can, it's helpful to be in a place of gratitude. None of us is entitled to anything. We get what we get not because we want it or we deserve it or because it's unfair if we don't get it but because we earn it, we respect it, and only if we share it do we keep it.

~MIchael J. Fox

Giving makes me feel like I'm living.

~Morrie through Mitch Albom

Never stop learning.

Say yes.

Commit to something bigger than yourself.

Laugh.

Get over yourself.

Do something that will last and be beautiful.

Have faith, not fear.

Listen to your inner voice.

jobs.

The big news today is that Steve Jobs died. It is all over Facebook, the news, and the papers. And while I didn't expect his death to generate so much response from the public, I totally get it. I am writing on an Apple computer as we speak, this summer we bought a second one for Clay because we knew we both would need and want one (and he says EVERYONE in his classes has an Apple computer), we both have and LOVE our iPhones, we both have iPods and use them almost every day, and I couldn't be more grateful for the ease of iPhoto. We are admitted Apple junkies.

But as I listened to Jobs's Stanford University Commencement Address last night and again today (every time it is on the news, I am transfixed; I can't turn it off), I felt like Jobs was speaking my language. I was inspired all over again--and again, and again.

Here are a few excerpts, followed by more lessons learned so far this year:

1. I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

Many of you faithful readers know that I have struggled at times with this move, this change. This struggle has assumed different phases and faces, but this week I realized that part of my resistance stems from fear that I am fulfilling the (fading) stereotype that a woman, if necessary, will sacrifice her own career for the benefit of her family or the advancement of her husband's career. For 8 years, Clay and I were both English teachers, coaches, advisors, and Master's degree students. Then we started a family and Clay went back to school. These two changes forced me to also change, and while I am hesitant to be super excited about "re-inventing" myself because I have to admit that I liked being an English teacher and coach, I am also learning that it is okay to jump off the treadmill and try something new. Who knows what next year holds. I may return to the classroom, I may not. Part of that decision will hinge on opportunities and necessity, but part of it will also depend upon what all three of us learn this year about what makes us individually and collectively our best selves.

Clay doesn't expect me nor want me nor view me to be a woman whose main identity is that of his wife. Once I truly felt and knew that, I felt free to enjoy this time away from the classroom. It also replaced the heaviness with a lightness that enables me to see this time with Will as a gift, which it is.

To be clear, I LOVE this time with Will, I LOVE getting out of the classroom and back into the world, I LOVE waking up in the morning and not saying goodbye to my family at 5 am, I LOVE seeing new things and meeting new people and exploring New York City. I really am so happy. But I want to be honest, both for when I look back at this blog years later and for other women who might sense that same tension of a work-family balance: I was Sara Hume for 27 years before I became Sara Gahan. I was a teacher for 7 years before I became a mother. I wasn't a teacher because I was just biding time....I am passionate about education, about the future generations of our country, about the power of literature, and about supporting all of the amazing educators out there who work so hard for the benefit of young people. This passion didn't go away when I got married or had Will. New passions simply formed. I am lucky to love so much, and I know I have a whole life (hopefully) to fully demonstrate and realize those passions.

2. You can't the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

I have no doubt that this move was the right move for us. I have no doubt that it was the right time. I have total peace that "dot" is going to make so much sense when we connect the dots later.

3. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

Another thing I know for sure: I hit the jackpot when I married Clay, and our life together just keeps getting better and better. I couldn't agree with Steve Jobs more: Keep looking until you find it. It's worth it. But I also think Clay and I would add that once you find it, your job is to keep making it magic. What you are looking for isn't necessarily a fixed point. I think one mark of knowing that you love what you do and love who you are with is that you are constantly experiencing those wow moments. I had one the other night when Clay and I were talking. I can't even remember what he said, but I do remember sitting there, listening to him, and thinking, "Wow. He amazed me yet again." Teaching in the classroom affords those moments, too. Not all the time, but they are there--and they are powerful.

4. Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart....Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want

to become. Everything else is secondary.

In many ways, this blog is becoming a space for my inner voice. And this year is freeing me from what others think, because Lord knows that most people in NYC don't care what I think :-). I used to think riding on the subway was such a cold, empty experience, but now I love it: I can let myself think. No one is even trying to connect. And this is so freeing. We are all smushed in a subway car together but most people don't say a word the entire ride. In this tiny space, we aren't worried what those around us think. Most people are too tired to care. But as we go from one place to another, we have these precious minutes in a crowded subway car to retreat underground and escape for a minute. No wonder the subways are so popular; I think we all need these inner retreats so we can listen to our own voices for a minute.

I love this speech, and I am grateful to Steve Jobs for living a life true to himself and full of vision.

a fall morning.

My camera has been in hiding since Will and I returned to NYC.

It has been waiting patiently as I figure out a way to head out the door in the mornings with a walking toddler, a nose-driven beagle, a diaper bag, (now) jackets and coats, and often a stroller that we LOVE but doesn't just disappear when Will is eager to get out and walk himself down the busy street! "Mom, everyone around me is walking...LET ME WALK!"

But when Will started playing Peek-a-BOO! this morning, I became determined.

I don't care if I have to grow a third arm: I am taking pictures of our adventures in the city.

This made Will oh-so-happy.

(Sorry these get small--I am experimenting with picture size in an effort to save memory and thus prevent me from buying more picture space, but alas, these are too small! I'll go back, I promise)

And then he wanted to show off his full mouth of teeth.

And his book. He LOVES the audio recorded book Mimi and Poppy gave him. I hear "I love you when you are quiet and I love you when you are loud" a llllllll day long :-).

And then we headed to "our" park, Sakura Park, one of a MILLION awesome parks in this city.

Will, my dirt-loving, fast-walking, nature-happy bundle of love, took off with Cam close behind.

Mama, can you see me?

I found my favorite spot: in the weeds!

I love grates...

...and climbing stairs

(which makes Mama a little VERY nervous)
But my absolute FAVORITE is the swings.
I think about lots of important things when I am swinging...
but most importantly,

I AM OH SO HAPPY!