Honest

It's pretty easy to read blogs and think that people lead romantic lives full of Kodak moments, important revelations, and constant personal growth. I read blogs to be inspired to be a better person, to see how my friends are pursuing lives of meaning. But there have also been a few blogs I respect primarily because they are open and honest about what challenges them.

So while my life is SO full and SO good, I thought I would take a minute to be honest--with you, yes, but also with myself. Because half of the reason I keep up with this blog is because it enables me to write about my life in a way that provides me with clarity and reflection.

Today was a no good, very bad day. Will didn't sleep a wink last night, and Clay was taking the GRE today, so he needed his rest. Thus, Will and I had our first all-night date. It was an anomaly for sure (for the most part, Will is sleeping from 9-3 and then from 3:30-6 a.m.), but it came on the heels of 18 hours of grading this weekend and our first real small group gathering, which was at our house. Mondays are also my long teaching days--I teach all 5 classes--so the all-nighter put me in a bit of a daze all day long.

Ok, no big deal. I've pulled all-nighters before.

But today was progress report day at school, which meant that everyone was hyper aware of grades. And our opening address at chapel was all about how our girls should have confidence in themselves and believe they can be the best and stand up for themselves when they feel something hasn't gone right. A great message, for sure, but on grades day, that means lots of girls questioning their grades and arguing that they deserve higher scores. Great day to pass back papers, too, huh? So I have a student who literally gets in my face over a 48.5/50 ("Why didn't I get a perfect score?? You didn't say anything negative about my paper. I deserve a 50/50!!") and refuses to back down despite my efforts to justify the grade.

I skipped my workout this morning and lunch to grade and conference with students--all after spending 9 hours a day this weekend grading papers and STILL not being done with my grading. I check my email, and of course I get some emails that make me feel like a bad colleague, a bad friend, a bad mother ("Read all about your child at 3 months, 3 weeks"...what? my child is 3 months, 3 weeks?), and suddenly I am so aware that I SO do not have things under control.

All of this comes on top of feeling disappointed in myself for not initiating some efforts to make myself a better person--initiatives that I keep thinking about but not doing because I just haven't committed myself to the tasks.

Some days just stink. And I know it, and I am not asking for sympathy, because I know in the grand scheme of things, I am SO blessed, but I want to be honest about the fact that some days really do feel like a struggle.

So I am instituting a new blog feature, one that I can do quickly even when I don't have time to write anything else: "Today I Will..."

I read and watched No Impact Man this weekend, and among other things, felt inspired to think about what I can do to live a more intentional life. I am tired of to-do lists and daily schedules...I need something deeper to help guide my thoughts and actions. But I need to be realistic that I can't totally change and improve all at once; hence the daily focus that enables me to fully experience one intentional decision each day.

So...Today I Will take Cam and Will on a good walk.

I know I usually do this, but lately I have been pushing it back when I get home--and then sometimes not getting around to it at all. But Cam deserves a good walk--and Will loves being outside. And I need to walk, not eat, as soon as I get home. That means I need to walk right now.

It's been a bad day. But it's not over yet.