Good Grief.

Not to get super serious here, but this post is going to be less about Will and more about me today. I have been blessed by a series of events in the past few days that have fully enabled me to understand and then process a bit of what has been on my heart since February, and seeing that Will is napping and I often think through my thoughts best in writing, I am going to open up here.

First event: an email to my Praying Life group at my former school.

Why it is significant: I Skyped with them a few weeks ago because I miss them so much, and after I got off the computer with them, I thought to myself, "Wow, I sounded pretty darn bitter today." I also have to admit that since we decided to move to NYC last February, my wonderful husband has more than once told me that "you haven't been your normal self lately." And it's true. But I kept struggling to talk about it because I didn't know what exactly I was feeling (resentment? fear? insecurity? anxiety?) and every time we talked, nothing I said sounded just right.

I got an email from a friend in that praying group last night that was honestly a gift from God for me. In it, she talks about how she too struggled with change and a geographical move and the shift of her focus on career to her kids, and towards the end of the email, she said something like, "It's almost like I was grieving my old self."

And it hit me. I have been grieving all this time.

I know it may sound melodramatic, but I am writing about this because I think this is a very real phenomenon, especially for women at this stage of their lives. Giving up careers to focus on family is NOT an easy decision, and for some reason it is often dismissed or looked down upon in our society. For me, I have been grieving the woman I used to be before I got married (Sara Hume) and the woman I used to be before I had Will (a wife and a teacher) and now the woman I used to be before I moved to NYC and knew absolutely no one and was suddenly a stay-at-home mom in a huge city with a husband who was very, very busy. My life looks very different from my life 10, 6, even 2 years ago. And while I love this evolution and every gift that has come into my life since that time, there is also a very real sense of loss for the woman I was before I got married and had kids and stopped working.

Phew. Wow. That sounds risky to say, but it shouldn't. I really do think women everywhere are struggling with this and not talking about it.

So I wrote my Praying Life group last night and told them that I felt like I was experiencing this weird form of grief and that I was definitely coming through it having learned a lot about myself and what I love and what I am willing to negotiate (where I live, how I spend my time) and what I'm not (protecting and nurturing my family, worshipping God, teaching in some capacity).

And I went to bed feeling like I finally had some clarity to all this crap I have been dealing with inside...and then I went to Event #2.

Second Event: A Mom's group bible study.

Why it is significant: BECAUSE THE TOPIC WAS GRIEF.

Clay and I have started attending a huge, famous church up here that we really like (thank you, Aunt Sally, for the recommendation!), and literally the first person I saw when we first went was a former UVA classmate of mine. In NYC, this is a pretty big deal--I don't often (aka never) "run into" people I actually know. But Christian (his name) and I immediately recognized each other and then I met his wife, also a classmate from college, and they both welcomed us to the church and got our contact info. Well, Jennifer thoughtfully emailed me on Monday to invite me to the UWS Mom's bible study she attends, so off Will and I went this morning to try it out. A chance for Will to play with other kiddos and for me to meet other moms and talk about significant topics? Uhh, I'm there. Well, Will amazingly fell right into step with the other kids in the childcare room when I dropped him off (THANK YOU for letting me go to this, buddy!), and I went upstairs to meet the other moms. And I quickly felt right at home, for the first time feeling like I might actually make a friend in this city. They were all smart, capable, thoughtful, friendly, go-get-em moms who for one reason or another are staying "at home" (which in NYC means bundle-up-kids-cause-we're-going-places). And as I looked around the room before we officially began, I felt this swell of pride in moms all over the world. Moms might be my ultimate heroes. I mean it. Moms everywhere are dynamic, educated, creative, capable women who usually put others' needs before their own and work so super hard to take care of their families. Dads do too, don't get me wrong, but this room was a group of such impressive women that I could have easily been sitting in a boardroom somewhere getting sh*t done. I tell you what, for the rest of my life I will have the utmost respect for stay-at-home parents, not just because their days are often long and thankless, but because they were all individuals with well-developed identities before they had kids and then somewhere along the way they assumed the new role of parents and primary caretaker and their former primary roles had to take a bit of a backseat. Now when I am walking down the street, I look at a mom pushing a stroller and I think to myself, "she might have gone to law school" or "she is published author" or "she's a pediatrician who negotiated part-time work so she could push her kid down the street this Wednesday morning and take him to storytime" and I smile at her (they almost always smile back--it's like this secret stroller club we're members of) and I want to fist-bump her and say "way to go, friend!" because I am starting to fully realize how deep and layered everyone's life is...

Anyways, we have a speaker at bible study today, and she is this amazingly put-together, stylish 40-year-old counselor who no longer practices professionally because she is at home with 3 young girls. And she starts with the following statement:

"So, I have been asked to talk about grief today, a topic which is so huge but that I think we can all relate to on multiple levels. Whether you have lost a loved one or at times grieve the woman you were and the life you lived before you had kids, we all know how muddling and yet all-encompassing grief can be. Let's talk about it today."

WHAT? I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and took notes for the next 90 minutes. And then I picked up Will (who had the best time, by the way) and hugged and kissed him like crazy (how can I miss him this much after just 1.5 hours?) emerged back out into the streets of NYC feeling more understood and comfortable in my emotions than I have in a long time.

I know that I am exactly where I should be. I am blessed beyond words to have a husband who is also my best friend and partner in everything, and we are blessed beyond belief to love a son who constantly redefines what love means for us. I am so lucky and happy to be at home with Will every day, and I find myself wanting nothing else but to be with him and explore our world together. And I love living in NYC. My life is SO, so full and rich and good and happy.

But saying goodbye to one role only to assume another is a difficult thing. The grief is real. And I wish women would talk about it more, because I think we could really help support each other through these times of beautiful transition. And in the midst of celebrating the new and the beginnings, we can also honor the old and the traditions, the lessons learned and relationships cherished that got us to today.