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I said yes to something today and then had a panic attack. My boss cornered me in the front office and innocently asked, "So...have you made a decision about Transcript?" Then he threw out the number 3,000 (as in dollars) and smiled sweetly and before I knew it, I had said yes and was the newest faculty advisor to the JK-12 yearbook as the school welcomes a new headmaster and approaches its centennial.

I can't even get my family's own scrapbooks done. What had I done?

I'll tell you what I had done. I had succumbed to one of my many weaknesses: not being able to say no. As a first year teacher here and a people-pleaser, I had said yes because I didn't want to disappoint my boss or screw my opportunities down the road. But I had also said yes to Saturday all-day work sessions, another class (#6 in a schedule that only accomodates 7 classes), criticism from people of all kinds who I would certainly let down in my first year in this role, even later-nights, and more obsession over perfection, which we all know is impossibly tough to achieve in education.

But then I got to thinking what I was saying "no" to. And that changed everything.

I was saying no to Saturdays with my son and husband.
I was saying no to turning off my computer some nights and dealing with shit tomorrow.
I was saying no to students who needed to meet with me during activity period to work on their papers.
I was saying no to a newspaper that I was excited to further develop.
And I was saying definitely no to this voice that keeps telling me to write, dammit. I don't write often because I would rather sleep be with Will, but I keep thinking of all these things I want to write, and that little voice won't go away.

And in the middle of this panic attack, I heard my phone buzz. A text from my mom, who cancelled a dentist appointment today in order to rescue us last minute when our Tuesday sitter's kids got sick:

"Guess what? When we were walking into Milestone, Will told me he was wet, so we went into the kids' bathroom and he peed in the potty! I was so proud of him!"

And I thought, dammit it if I am going to say no to moments like this. I would be a fool to work these years away. And shame on me if I move to this town only to work on stuff I don't really care about instead of spending time loving my own mom, who continues to selflessly take care of me while I focus on myself. Will just peed in the potty, and my mom helped facilitate it. THIS is important, people.

So I marched back into my boss's office and changed my mind. And that "no" turned my Saturdays with my family back into a "yes." Damn straight.