Mean

Got an email this week from a parent of an advisee. The email was textbook insulting: sassy, demeaning, and heavy-handed. I would quote it for you, but I deleted it--as I did the second one he wrote me just now, which was everything the first one was plus an added threat as its cherry on top. And while my impulse is to sass right back to this parent, I have learned in my ten years of teaching that it never makes things better. But I've also learned that years of experience and devoted dedication to a child doesn't mean these parent emails go away. I can think of three I have received in my time, one at each of the schools where I worked, when I opened up my email only to get a slap in the face and feel progressively beat up as the words lingered in my mind. And this one got me thinking...

Why the heck can people be so mean?

I mean, I've had words with an AT&T customer care rep and a NY Yankees box office employee and I  know many others, so I am the last person to throw stones. But I can only imagine that if I were to sit down and write a really nasty email to someone I know, I would expect that relationship to end. Yet parents (and I hate to say it, but I think it's worse with private school parents, some of whom feel they are paying for power and control) send emails like these all the time to teachers and administrators. When I relayed the first email to a couple friends/colleagues at lunch on Friday, one said, "Girl, if I rolled them up into cigars and smoked one every night, I would still have plenty left over," and the other person said, "Yup, I've got enough for a small fire." And these are AMAZING colleagues.

It's emails like these that make me admire administrators, people who deal with parents all day long. Give me the kids any day; I'm not sure I could handle lots of interactions with unreasonable adults. At least you can look at a child and think, "His immature reaction makes sense because he's fifteen." But a parent who never compliments and thanks but only reaches out in anger? No thanks.

I pray that I will be a parent who compliments and thanks Will's teachers, a parent who hears one side of a story and doesn't jump to conclusions, a parent who trusts the school and teachers to be thoughtful, competent role models for my child. I know everyone ain't perfect, but I do know that teachers didn't get into this business for many others reasons besides loving young people and loving their subject. Criticize how a teacher does those two things and you are criticizing who they are as a person. And while I can criticize bad cell phone service or changing us twice for Yankees tickets, I've learned that criticizing people for who they are only makes me a fool in the end.

Here's to the 'delete' button.

**Day After Addition:
I didn't mean for this post to sound so darn angry. I mainly wanted to reiterate the idea that parents have the best intentions for their children and teachers have the best intentions for their students, so I hope that we can give each other more credit! And that definitely goes for teachers towards parents, too...now that I am a parent, I understand more fully how deep and powerful the love for a child can be, so I don't blame parents for wanting the best for their children.

But when teachers are working hard and doing good stuff, and parents are working hard and doing good stuff, shouldn't we be cheering each other on?

The student support system (of which parents and teachers are the foundation) is a huge topic in education, and I think the best schools learn how to combine these two forces for the betterment of the child.