Here's the honest-to-God truth: my heart has been aching for the past three weeks.
It's not easy or pretty to admit this, but it's where I am, and I need to own that. My heart just hurts.
It's overwhelmed with emotion right now: shock over the diagnosis, grief for the child we expected to join our family, love for our two boys, worry about Grant's future (and Will's as well), anxiety about what this will look like for our little family, guilt guilt guilt, hope about what Grant might be able to accomplish one day mixed with sobering realizations of what his challenges might look like, loneliness when I think about how few of my friends have children with special needs...
Take that, Hearts on Fire diamonds. I got you beat.
Today I realized Grant's heart has also been on overdrive. Dad and I took him to the cardiologist today, and I had another oh-my-gosh-this-is-overwhelming-moment when his tiny little heart showed up on the echocardiogram screen and I saw it beating fast-fast-fast.
Strangely, I felt less alone.
In fact, I felt pretty close to him at that moment, as if he and I were in the same boat in this crazy, unknown world of extra chromosomes and unknown futures. He didn't ask for this, he has no idea what is ahead of him, he too is taking things one day at a time. And he's fighting. Our doctor said that he is doing really well, and while the VSD hole hasn't gotten any smaller (yet--please keep praying that it will), the other two openings have gotten smaller, and Grant doesn't need medications to help his blood flow and oxygen intake.
His heart seems to be healing pretty well.
It needs some more time to be fully healed, but it is getting there.
Slowly but surely.
In the meantime, his heart is growing, little by little.
I think mine is too.
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