Work-Will Balance

I just got out of a meeting in which the leader changed the meeting time to 3:15 instead of during school. It happened in a split second, everyone nodded their heads in agreement, and then the next item on the agenda was addressed.

Inside, I was breaking out in hives.

Dang it if the very day when I feel like I am finally hitting a rhythm and achieving some sense of balance hits me with a curve ball that I don't want to hit.

Changing the meeting time means asking our sweet friend Katie to watch Will one MORE hour, to change her day to accomodate mine, to accept our paltry offering of one more hour of pay just so we can go to a meeting that could have happened during school hours. I know I need to make decisions as a working mom, I know I can't be in two places at once, I know every day isn't going to be a perfect balance. But man, our culture and places of employment need to at least show understanding and support to families with two working parents.

Will's preschool is from 8:45-11:45. Not going to work. So we sign him up for early care (starting at 8) and late care (until 3) but that STILL doesn't cover a normal working day. Every church we have visited politely directs us towards the nursery when we approach, and dang it if I didn't break down in tears this last Sunday (Will, too) when we tried to drop him off.

So I said no. I stood there in the hallway of the church childcare and I said no. I am not dropping him off any more than I have to, I'm not being away from him any longer than I have to, I'm not volunteering or signing up for anything extra. I told myself at the beginning of this year that my goal this year was to do two things well: the job I was hired for and being a mama to Will. Those are two full time jobs. I'm not tackling anything else. I am learning to say no.

But the fact that working mamas have to find the courage to say no to their bosses, to their friends, to opportunities that might advance their careers or develop them personally is really, really frustrating. It's a daily decision I have to make. Saying no happens on a daily basis. I am much happier for saying it, but at the moment, it is tough.

I will forever better understand working mamas (and daddies) and show them more grace and understanding than I ever did when I was young and all I did was work work work. I am embarrassed to say that I even thought mamas who said no were weak and selfish. Now I know they are among the most powerful, thoughtful, and determined people on the planet.

Thank God for weekends. For my mother. For the example of women everywhere who have been saying no and somehow finding a balance for years. I have a lot to learn from them.

Undivided Attention

I love this blog. Glennon is coming out with a book. Can't wait to read it.

Her latest posts along with the fact that Friday was a pretty normal day in the classroom but I left work and drove to get Will feeling more like myself than I have in a long time makes me feel like my work in the classroom is part of who I am and makes me soooo happy and probably makes me a better mama too. It's nice every once in awhile to feel that peace and know that despite the daily chaos, I am exactly where I should be.

That's all (not really, but those darn awesome online students. keep. turning. in. work. Who do they think they are? Smart, organized, on top of it young people?)

September

We're back to school, and that means life is full and busy, and I am loving it. Will's started Hi-Ho preschool, and Clay and I are almost a month into our classes. We run to school after dropping Will off and run to pick him up at the end of the day and then run errands all while I am not really actually running for exercise all the time yet, but hey, we're doing it. And we're together. And as I keep learning, that's what ultimately and permanently matters most to me.

This weekend I buzzed down to Chattanooga to help host one of my best friends' baby showers. Two of my closest friends in Chattanooga are due (one boy, one girl) one day apart from each other in October, and while I hate hate hate that I am missing all the casual talks and walks and chats and baby kicks that come with being there for them physically, I loved soaking up time with them yesterday as they anticipate the amazing moment they each meet their little one and then all the glorious moments after that. I love them, I love their husbands, and I already love their sweet little babies. Sweet time.

But it was the moments around the shower for which I am grateful:

1. It POURED the whole way down to Chattanooga, and I had left early Saturday morning after watching Downton Abbey's season two finale (so good!) with Clay the night before, so I was hurting to stay alert and awake. I called my about-to-be-showered-friend and she talked me into Chattanooga, telling me all about her pregnancy and life and dreams, and as I drove closer and closer to her, I felt closer and closer to her, and I couldn't help but remember those constant moments of anticipation when I felt Will kick in my belly and when I opened up tiny little outfits for the baby I had yet to meet. And then I think of Will now, and my heart bursts with love. I loved him already then--but I love him with all that I am now. He really is my heart walking around outside my body.

2. Clay and I never really let ourselves think about having another child while we were in NYC. But now that we are in Louisville and starting new jobs and we have a home and Will is 2, I find myself thinking about it a lot. And when I think about it, I think about both how lucky we all would be to have another sweet one in our family and how it just doesn't feel like the right time. And I couldn't pinpoint why until I was in the car with Ashley Saturday night, and as usually happens when I am with Ashley, suddenly my thoughts found the right words. I pray that our family grows in the future and that we have a life full of crazy love and loving crazy, but I want to feel like there is room in our lives for another child, and the honest truth is that right now I just don't feel there is. Because of dear Will, I now know not only how demanding and consuming parenthood can be, but also I know how much love you feel for your child, how you would do anything for them, how you want to be there for them, how you want them to feel not necessarily super special but definitely super loved. Children deserve to know they are gifts from God and that they are priorities, top priorities, in their parents' lives. And so when Will is the first kid dropped off at preschool early-care in the mornings and the last to be picked up from extended day in the afternoons, I know in my heart that we aren't there yet. Until then, I am so content and grateful and complete.

3. As I drove into Chattanooga, I immediately missed it something fierce. And while of course I miss the people the most, the longer I drove around, the more I realized that so much of that feeling was tied up in feeling a sense of belonging. I KNEW Chattanooga. I knew the running trails and the best bakery in town and the schools and the doctors and the shortcuts through neighborhoods. It was our first home as a married couple and thus it still felt like our home to me. I could have driven up to our old house at McC and tried the lock on the door, that's how familiar it felt.

But then Sunday morning came and I woke up knowing that my home is wherever my boys are. I was on the road by 8:30. And as the miles between me and Chattanooga grew, I felt more and more at peace knowing I was headed in the right direction.

4. I listened to This I Believe: Vol. 2 on my way home. I LOVE this series. And for every one I listened to, I thought of five "I Believe" statements of my own. Here are a few:

I believe in going after your dreams.
I believe in my husband.
I believe sweat can heal most stress.
I believe grandparents are gifts from God.
I believe it is never a mistake to be generous.
I believe all good parents are selfless heroes.
I believe a new outfit really can make you feel better.
I believe words matter.
I believe in fate.
I believe in listening to people's stories.
I believe certain people come into our lives at certain moments for very specific reasons.

I came home on Sunday after a quick but joyful 18 hours in Chattanooga and immediately fell back into my new rhythm. And then I thought: I have a rhythm. And it includes so many good things, like teaching and running and being with the family I love more than anything. It's been a year without a real rhythm. Hooray for rhythms!

Can't wait to meet these babies!!

Love love love to you all from Louisville!

The Kentucky State Fair

We started school this week (!!).

But before everything got busy, we headed out with Mimi and Poppy to the State Fair. 

Gotta love the Kentucky State Fair, full of tanks and livestock and deep fried Derby Pie.

Will wasn't too sure about the Super Slide the first time he went on it...but as soon as he and Poppy got to the bottom, he smiled and urged, "more more!"

 And below was Will's reaction when we finally pulled him away from the Super Slide...

So Sad!

Ah, Maine.

 And suddenly life got a whole lot sweeter.

 This summer has been crazy. We moved from NYC into my parents' home for 6 weeks, then moved into our awesome new home that we love more and more every day (come visit!), and both worked hellish jobs such that we were literally counting down the hours until they were over.

A week ago Wednesday, at 5 p.m., we both left our summer jobs for the last time, welcomed a sweet babysitter into our home to watch Will, and went out to celebrate. A nice dinner at an outdoor table, a little shopping, some batting practice :-), and coffee and frozen yogurt that tasted like freedom.

We made it.

WE REALLY MADE IT!!!!

Remember when I wrote back in June that the finish line kept getting pulled back and back and back and I was so ready to just feel settled and not in a million places all at the same time?

Well, 36 hours after our date, we were on a plane to Maine, which I am hereafter renaming Heaven. 

And as we sat on the plane, our sweet and healthy Will between us and a settled house in Louisville and summer jobs over and good jobs awaiting us at the beginning of the school year, I took a deep breath, smiled, and finally stopped running toward the finish line. We crossed it, baby. We quit our awesome jobs in Chattanooga and moved to NYC and Clay got his degree and we worked a million little jobs to make it happen and...it happened. Ah, we DID IT!!

And this is the view from the finish line:

(aka the view from the front porch of the house in Maine)

 We're all so happy here!

 Our days were full of reading and relaxing and swimming in the ocean and eating Kay's amazing cooking and watching the Olympics and playing playing playing.

 Will even learned to play paddleball, giving his sweet daddy a hug after he hit the ball:

 Sweetness.

 And then John arrived from Azerbaijan and Heaven got even MORE perfect.

AND he brought NYC bagels with him. 

I have the BEST brother-in-law ever.

 Ah, it was so nice to be with Pat, Kay, and John again.

 And from the minute Will saw "Unk Nyun," he wouldn't let him out of his sight.

 Love all the hats (although Will wasn't loving his at the time)

 Brothers.

 

Maine was beyond perfect.

School meetings start tomorrow...I'm back in the classroom, baby! 

Here we go!!