Big City, Small World

So far, 2012 has involved a lot of soul-searching and reflection. In a city where there is so much to look at, I find myself withdrawing a bit and purposefully making my world small. I felt guilty and almost foolish about this impulse until a friend of mine reassured me over the phone one night: "Sara, you have total permission to make your world small. Trust your gut and allow yourself this time. You won't be removed for long because your nature is to be outgoing. There is a reason why you are called to this reflection now." With that, I exhaled a bit.

So my world right now is Will and Clay and books and a job search. It's simple and focused and perfect right now. But I stepped outside of this on Saturday when I trekked out to Long Island for the UVA Jefferson Scholars Regional Selection interviews. Suddenly I was immersed in a world of Range Rovers and country clubs, of tea sandwiches and impressive high school seniors with mile-long resumes. I was surrounded by fellow alumni who were all kicking butt in their respective careers and had found places for themselves in NYC. We asked these high school seniors questions like, "How would you contribute to the UVA community?" and "How do you see yourself fulfilling the responsibility to be a leader among your peers?" and I have to confess I had moments when I felt inadequate. How did I get here? Who am I to be among these people and ask these loaded questions? Have I failed in living up to the expectations others have for me--and the ones I have for myself?

But a peace quickly came over me that I am right where I need to be. I am learning so much about humility and purpose and love and foundations right now. I know this experience is making me better. It's making my marriage better and it's making our family stronger. Why? Because in many ways, it's all we've got right now. Our savings account is officially at 0.00 (being honest here), we don't have job security, and we don't know many people up here. But we are investing in what we believe in: our love, the importance of education, and ultimately each other. Sometimes it takes stripping everything else away to fully see the beauty of the foundation.

Who knows what the future has in store for us? But I know I will always look back on this time as one of powerful retreat when my life came into even sharper focus. I know that for those who have been given much, much is expected. I have been overwhelmed with blessings and bounty in my life so far, and this year reminds me that holding onto it for my own benefit is not what we are called to do. Parenting teaches this all the time in the sense that it calls parents to be selfless, and this experience on top of that, and the fact that its happening in huge NYC, solidifies the fact that this life and my work isn't all about developing ME. It's about something much bigger--and at the same time something much smaller:

Here's to retreat and refocus and realizations in 2012. And to really cute naked toddlers. And hopefully a job or two :-).